Bitches be trippin’ 🧟‍♀️

Featured Image

Creepy as it appears to be, it’s simply one of those first-aid practice dummies with a sterile plastic covering we all had to use to prevent those of us who’re disease free possibly contracting hepatitis or some other nasty shit from other classmates, Good photo though huh 🙂

Wednesday, 3rd October 2018

Finally I’ve got data on my phone again: I can finish my dog story. If I can even be fucked after a three day absence of internet and now I’m on an entirely separate post.

Firstly, it should be noted the only reason I haven’t finished the dog story for the past three days is the woman of the moment was so paranoid I might say something bad about her she refused to add the whopping $10 it would’ve cost for the 1gb of data that would’ve seen me through until today.

Combined with everything else viewed broadly as a whole you are untrustworthy and you haven’t stopped me writing anything: simply delayed me. I’ll even add an extended rant once I’ve caught up just to piss you off.

Secondly, Mandy, whether you believe I’m in love with her or not is irrelevant: I wouldn’t have gone back to her if I didn’t love her, because there’s sure as shit no pragmatic reason to subject myself to her stupid bitchy shit for so long so until my business with her is finished that’s where I’ll stay, and sadly no amount of gifts or similar will buy me into a 180° turn; I cannot be bought, period.

Telling me about mentally unbalanced men visiting your house is a good trick, since any man would find it hard not to exert their protective instincts when a woman tells him strange men are lurking around being creepy.

It’s a very basic, easily identified manipulation, but a potent one: you invited a clown who was banned from the church to your place to do your gardening knowing he’s unstable; you post photos on facebook posing with dick-shaped root vegetables, and if you’re being outwardly warm and open towards men you don’t even know then weirdos are not randomly seeking you out, you’re inviting them.

Thirdly, Toni you make a complete fool of yourself when you’re pissed and I don’t want to see you like that again: You’re fifteen years older than I am – almost as old as my mother – and thinking I’ll fuck anyone like the dickheads at the pub just shows you’ve been hanging around people who will fuck anything for far, too, long.

You cannot handle your piss and the only people who’d ever find that attractive are alcoholic, drug-addled losers too far gone to give a shit who they fuck. Even if you were my age and I wasn’t already in love with someone else there’s no way I could even pretend to be attracted to anyone who’d stagger around pissed squawking ‘FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!’; I cannot think of anything less sexy.

7:41 PM

In less aggravating news, I resisted the urge to buy trendy manuka honey this week at the supermarket, and settled on the creamed capilano in the yellow tub, but made sure I checked the ingredients before even buying that ..

Though I originally bought that last small tub of trendy Capilano Beeotic honey for the bitch I love – in case she dropped in – because she likes honey in her tea, I ended up using it myself but got halfway through the jar before reading the label and was disappointed I didn’t check the ingredients before I bought it, because there is none: ‘purified honey multipurpose liquid’ is all that’s written on the label and no ingredients at all..

Though it does say it’s 1mL per mL purified honey, nowhere on the jar does it have any list of ingredients whatsoever, which may not be necessary if it is actually pure honey, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ suspect.

The choice of creamed was simply because I’m sick of cleaning up the drips and dribbles all over the bench. I got this second tub both because I’ve got to like it in tea and because I figure it’s a healthier form of sweetener than raw sugar.

Thursday, 4th October 2018

I’m at the library with Old-Brian this morning, though I’m really not sure why I’m here at all: I have no use for their power, warmth or chairs anymore, but was in town to stock-up on long-life milk and figured I might re-visit the place, nostalgia was the only purpose for my visit though.

Brian’s still looking much happier, and has done ever since he moved from his private rented unit into the Cecil owing almost entirely to the fact he’s in a building that’s quiet enough for him to sleep.

We talked about our ears, with my mentioning that mine were back to near 100% functional and Brian asking how I managed that, I told him “Hot water. Hot water soaked cotton tips Brian.”.

I told him I’d tried the ear-wax removal drops chemists flog for $15 per 5mL bottle but they don’t work very well and are too expensive for ears as dirty as mine were; what with sleeping outside on the ground for nine months straight I not only had wax packed-in because I’d used my hard backpack as a pillow for so long, but all the dust that’d blown-in them each night as I slept and stuck to the wax to leave them very, very blocked.

Being nearly 90 years old, Brian is almost completely deaf himself and asked me to elaborate on the cleaning method that finally restored my own hearing.

I explained exactly what I did, several times because he’s Brian: “Just leave the hot water tap on Brian, soak the cotton tip under the hot water and slide it straight in your ear while it’s hot. Rinse it under the hot water each time you pull it out and that’ll not only melt the wax out of your ear, but wash the wax/dirt off the cotton tip as you proceed.”

I realize that a discussion about which is the most efficient ear-cleaning technique would be boring as shit to read about, but having personally experienced an almost total lack of hearing myself now for several weeks, it’s not so dull to me and Brian told me he’d give it a go, though I doubt he will and doubt even more that it’ll help him unless his ears are simply blocked with dirt and wax like mine were.

Speaking of sleep, you should do much better tonight without the disruption 🙂 ❣❣❣

4:06 PM

Fuck that: I’m not wasting my time writing about weak-arse politicians dribbling shit every time a camera’s pointed at them. I’ll turn the TV off actually. I didn’t even know the prime minister was Morrison until I had access to a TV again quite recently, and when I first came back to civilization after living in the valley for 16 months I remember you quizzing my knowledge of current events by asking who the prime minister was I thought it was still Tony Abbott.

The mind-numbing stupidity of politics and politicians only serves to enrage me, so I’m better off not knowing.

4:48 PM

Something that’s immeasurably more useful than any politician and infinitely more interesting, is ultra heat-treated milk of which I’m quite happy to have in abundance at the moment 🙂

For most of my life, UHT milk has been a vulgar facsimile of fresh milk – to be avoided at all costs because it doesn’t quite taste like it’s superior refrigerated form, and I think I only vaguely remember even tasting it once or twice throughout my childhood.

But whether or not you have a fridge, which I admittedly still don’t, there’s something to be said for any raw food product you can leave in a cupboard until you need it.

Yesterday, I brought home four cartons of long-life milk, drank one overnight and brought another four home with me today. Even if I had a refrigerator the milk in it would go off within a week of purchase whether I open it or not.

Wait, that’s not even what I wanted to write about next, I got distracted by how pretty they all look lined up in my freshly cleaned cupboard so veered off-topic and I really don’t have much else to say about it, other than I’ve become quite an advocate for these little cardboard bricks of dairy goodness: the very slight difference in taste (especially in an age were people seem happy to pay twice as much to drink weird, funky-tasting brown shit that’s artificially extracted out of everything from soya beans to coconut) is no reason at all to shun the stuff.

My milk can sit in the cupboard for months and still be good, and it’s the same price as the standard $1/litre supermarket brand milks, which I’m happy to buy since I care quite a good deal more about myself than whining dairy farmers bitching about supermarkets ripping them off.

Nicotine liquid I wanted to talk about, but I’ve gotta iron-out what I’ve already done first. I wish I had someone to proofread and edit my spelling and grammatical errors again.

I wish you would do it, but you’d lack the time to keep up with my output on a productive week and would simply delete whole sections any time you disagreed with them ❣

7:40 PM

Hang on I’ve gotta go back and edit; there’s an aweful lot about relatively boring subject matter today too but to be honest I’m pretty calm, and since there’s no internal conflict currently grating at me I’ve not little to complain about, though I’m quite sure such inner-peace will not last long.

Yesterday, I ordered another batch of vaporizer juices because I’m actually running out completely.

At just over $100 I really didn’t want to fork-out the money since I’ve had fuck all to live on since paying rent again but several factors meant it just had to happen, most important of which being that I geniunely want to stop smoking.

Well, not want to stop so much as have to: just turned 45, middle age is here, or very nearly here – I’m not sure at what age middle-age technically begins or ends – and we all know that’s when the mid-life illness and diseases start creeping up on people, so I have to stop to reduce my risk-factor before any of the rainbow of nasty health problems catches up with me.

Stopping cold-turkey never has and never will be an option because it’s just not: what started as a simple bad habit or addiction – over time – has turned into a facet of myself. For years now, smoking has been a comfort, annoyance, and a part of my personality and like other drugs I’ve developed a relationship with the addiction as it’s merged into my personality.

Those shitty mint things from the supermarket are not an option for several reasons either: firstly, I don’t like ordinary chewing gum and never buy it, so why the fuck would I want to chew the shit all day long, and always the same farkin flavour – mint. I never hated mint flavoured things until I tried to stop smoking years ago using those aweful things, and I cannot stand it now.

They’re also expensive – with all of the “Nicobate” range of products just stupidly overpriced, they literally cost more than a pouch of tobacco and if you obtain a prescription you’re only able to get shitty gum or shitty patches.

But whether it’s the gum, the ‘losenges’, the patches, those ridiculous inhalers or the newer spray packs they are each as pointless as the other: I’d never use those kinds of products without nicotine, so why would I get any satisfaction spraying a pump-pack in my mouth all day long? or chewing nasty-tasting gum and having to find somewhere to spit it out all day long? Why would I want to wear a shitcunt patch on my arm that itches all day because no air gets through to the skin underneath, leaves sticky, slimy adhesive on me and falls off as soon as I stick it on? Why would I want to suck nothing but air through a stupid tube of plastic all day and pay MORE for that than I would to smoke?

Friday, 5th October 2018

Good morning.

It is cold, wet and misty in Katoomba this morning and although I’ve not taken a photo, here’s one from yesterday since it looks exactly the same out the window at the moment..

I’ve still gotta finish yesterday, and I’ve got to not use the physical keyboard and tablet in future because it’s just too easy to dribble on and on with a keyboard: all those years of online gaming and the in-game chat that went with them left me a lightening-fast typist, certainly, but I’d rather say it efficiently in tight little chunks than pump out text so fast I don’t even wanna edit the mess afterwards, and the phones touch-screen is a blessing in that respect – it slows me down enough that I’ve got time to think about how to most succinctly say what I’ve gotta say as I write – while the keyboard is so fast I end up with huge paragraphs that bore even me, when I read back over them.

Anyhoo.

Also, with no drugs for a while now my brain has started returning to normal speed, which is generally pretty fast, which will obviously lead to a greater volume of words anyway.

10:06 PM

Yep, yes there it is: I’ve started getting the shits again, less than 12 hours after I was saying there’s no internal conflict to anger me.

All it takes is the thought of the time, effort and woman that’s slid into the past – wasted, lost and gone forever and even now the past is eating away at what’s left.

And now, and now, and fucking now: every word I type is already in the past as I type it and the past got far better of you than I ever have or ever will.

12:53 PM

I’m at the church and I’ve just been informed by Rosa that somebody has been talking shit about me: fabricating things I’ve never even said.

I’ll find out who’s behind it and when I do I’ll make sure everyone knows, but for now I’ve already grown bored of it and anyone sad, bitter and pathetic enough to waste their empty little life spreading lies about someone else isn’t worth these two paragraphs – let alone any further thought on the matter.

I’ve got much more important things to write about, like the woman I’m trying very hard to love ❣

Granted, that’s about as thrilling as long-life milk to anyone but her and I, but that’s what I’ll continue writing about because if she’s not on-board completely, my next stop will be a woman who’s willing and capable of giving me what she refuses to: a child; more importantly a family.

Obviously, that’s a lot more effort than our arguing in circles about your complete lack of emotional warmth, complacency and loveless attitude but if I’ll never get either from you, that’ll mean looking down the barrel of a life where I never belong anywhere that’s home and that’s not going to happen – certainly not just because you want to perpetuate dumb games and bullshit while enjoying a family and family-life you’re quite happy to share with other people.

If you’re wondering why I’d be writing this shit here instead of simply saying it to her face, it’s because she’s almost never with me, so it’s impossible to say anything to her face at all.

No other woman I’ve been with has been this abnormal, and every other woman has been present for the two of us to have these conversations in person like normal human-beings: none of that applies here because she is not normal.

I mean sure, I’d be able to discuss it with her privately if I were willing to wait until we were alone together, but we both know she won’t allow the two of us to be alone together – without the child – for weeks to come, and even then only if I’m a flawlessly behaved, good dog that entire time: say or do one thing wrong and it’s gone for another several fucking weeks.

Can’t imagine why I’m always so fucking angry, right?

The rare occasions she does decide to grace me with her presence, her daughter is always with us and although she seems more than happy to encourage her kid to participate in this type of conversation like an adult, she’s not an adult and I’d rather not have to argue about the private aspects of an adult relationship with an 8 year old child and really, it’s not until you actually write down things like this that you realize just how fucking sick it really is.

But the thing that’s just mind-blowing to me, is that after all this time, all these rants and no matter how many times I hold the mirror up on her perversity, she still manages to maintain an attitude of absolute denial there’s anything wrong with her at all: I literally cannot fathom how she can tell me that I’m the more abnormal of the two of us and actually keep a straight face.

I could text it all, but I’d get no more response texting than I do writing it here so it’s 6 or half-a-dozen in that respect, and from a purely logical perspective I don’t even know whether she’d read this in text form, delete them or simply ignore them completely because there’s no response to any texts she perceives as negative.

At least here, I know it’s all in one place and doesn’t get deleted until I delete it.

I can’t believe I managed to write all of the above without even stooping to anger or abuse at all. Good job me right? 🙂

8:28 PM

Before I start winding myself up any further about that though, I want to conclude yesterday’s entry about vaporizing, but without the long-winded novella ranting about how shit the standard ‘nicotine replacement therapy’ products are.

Basically, all those shitty mint things were made obsolete by a funny little chinaman working as a lab technician who wanted to stop smoking himself.

Being just as fed-up with the ineffectiveness of mint-flavoured products as anyone else wanting to quit, he decided to have a bash at designing a more appealing method of nicotine replacement for himself and the vaporizer was born.

That’s the end of the whole “Enter, the vaporizer” story from yesterday, now back to how that relates to you.

It’s getting late so I’ll boil it down to the basics.

I want to stop smoking before I wind up in a doctor’s office being told that the persistent cough I thought was just a cough is actually lung cancer, and to do that I have to be able to vaporize anywhere.

Quite frankly I still don’t believe smoking in and of itself causes cancer, and I’d like to see research that incorporates stress as a factor because being on-edge and miserable seems like the more obvious trigger for disease – along with an individual’s overall level well-being – and although studies have repeatedly *linked* smoking with cancer, anybody can link anything to anything really and such studies start with a biased agenda: to validate the researchers’ findings.

Anyway what I need you to do is shhh about it: no whinging about me vaping while I’m at your place at all, no telling me I have to wait until I leave to vaporize, no teaming-up with the child to ostracize me for it, no complaining about the smell of strawberry or banana or vanilla or chai or whatever flavour I’ve got in my tank at the time.

Something else I wanted to highlight yesterday is the difference in cost of vaporizing versus smoking, because although the outlay when ordering nicotine products online is greater than simply walking up the road and buying a pouch of tobacco, vaporizer fluids cost far less overall.

The classy looking bottle in the the photo above is the exception: at over $50/60mL it’s still the best tasting eliquid I’ve ever had and if I could score a truckload of the stuff for free I’d never bother with anything else. A beautiful cereal flavor with banana, nuts and cream, I liked it so much I remember using-up that entire bottle in 3 days, so that particular liquid works out remarkably expensive and it’s always sold out now everyone knows how good it is.

When I first started vaporizing, I ordered pre-mixed liquids and commercial hardware. With coil heads costing $5 to $15 each that had to be replaced frequently, $100 battery mods and various tanks ranging in price from $20 to $80 a peice plus the aforementioned eliquids I would’ve spent about $1,500 in the first couple of months but I had two jobs then so money wasn’t an issue.

The good news however is that although I went a bit nuts with the amount of hardware I ordered, most of it’s still with me now and still works fine: I’ve got all the hardware I’ll need for long, long time and once I’d learnt that you can clean and reuse those expensive commercial coil-heads in hot water, I didn’t need to buy any more of them either.

Then I made the switch from the expensive pre-made coils to winding my own which only requires kanthal wire and organic cotton both of which are stupid-cheap and since you only need a few centimeters at a time, a coil you make yourself works out to be just a few cents – cotton inclusive: even after six months I’ve still got half a roll of wire left and plenty of cotton.

Winding you’re own coils is as simple as it sounds, and even commercially manufactured ones are just a length of resistance wire connected to a power-source that heats like a miniature toaster or kettle element, and cleaning is as easy as binning the old cotton, reducing the wattage and heating the coil to burn off the gunk, as this photo I took a while ago demonstrates..

A few months ago I started ordering pure glycerine with 18mg/mL nicotine and little bottles of concentrated flavours to mix my own and the cost of eliquid plummeted too and the order I’ve got on the way consists of only a large bottle of pure nicotine in glycerine and a few more flavours: a mixed nut flavor, a bottle of tiramisu flavour, fruit loops and milk and gingerbread cookies, which I don’t have a photo of yet, but since I bought the last bottle of glycerine Coles had on its shelves yesterday I’ve mixed these flavours last night in advance so I can simply add the nicotine laden glycerine when it arrives next week.

From left to right there’s a bottle of malted milk, a mixed cereal/bakery base and the fat bottle on the right is chai tea..

If I’m going to stop smoking actual tobacco and lose the comfort that’s always accompanied it, I need you to lose the negativity towards vaping completely.

Before you get the urge to complain about the smell of whichever food-grade flavoring I might be using at the time, how much worse tobacco smoke stinks and sticks to my clothes, hair, skin and hands: eliquid smells incomparably less than that and you know it xo

You know Babe, simultaneously wanting you like your man, worrying about you like your father and objectifying you like a psychologist: bound to cause some internal conflict ❣

Saturday, 6th October 2018

Coffee.

She’s got the shits again. Something new! Nope check that: she doesn’t have the shits.

Nothing I wrote last night was private or personal, I’ve simply taken a step back and pointed out the same elephant that’s usually in the room and articulated where the mechanics are broken so crack the shits all you like: all you’re doing is remaining as ignorant as always while the same broken gears stay broken and while you’re busy feeding your own false believe that you are some master of manipulation, you’re too busy preening yourself to see the engine seized long ago and the gears are being more rust-fucked every day.

Your choice and your doing, oh puppet-master ðŸ˜‰

2:37 PM

Sorry I’m still finishing yesterday: arguing my case for Sweetheart to accept vaporizing.

She’d have me a health-nut living off water, fruit, nuts and nothing else if she had her way, and just as if I am going to be with her forever, if I’m going to give up smoking forever she’s gotta get with the program and compromise a bit. I have, I’ve already stopped even personal drug use and no longer sell it, so if all I’ll have is nicotine and caffeine I’ll have them on-tap ❣

3:06 PM

You know I’ve just made myself a coffee, and while standing there waiting for the kettle to boil I pondered the gaping hole in the wall where my fridge was meant to go which got me thinking.

Yesterday, while in the church stipulating to Rosa, Maria and Cathy that one sad nutcase fabricating shit I’ve never said is no more than that, I was distracted by general conversation that led to my stating that although I still don’t have any furniture and how I really don’t give a shit because the whole unit feels spacious at the moment and the more furniture I add, the less roomy it will be – when the fridge came up.

Of course I still want a fridge, because it’ll allow me to start stocking-up on food and save me throwing so much in the bin and I said just that to Cathy, adding that although Mandy had bought me that fridge a week or so ago and it looked like being set for delivery, I’ve heard nothing more about it. Cathy’s responded by telling me, ‘Just don’t accept help from anyone Jason, you’re better off. People always think you owe them.’ and I agreed, because sadly she’s right.

I’d already considered how quickly the fridge Mandy had bought me as a ‘no strings attached’ gift seemed to vanish into the ether once I’d pulled her in line and told her gifts cannot make me stop loving the woman I’m in love with, but saying it out loud – just like writing it here – sets the fact in stone.

More coffee before I can finish this for the day, I’m starting to get a bit tired.

Sunday, 7th October 2018

Though this isn’t exactly an exemplary way to kick-off today’s entry, I’ve just borrowed money from Beautiful, and although I feel less than awesome about it, as I said to her I feel less bad about accepting help from her than I do other people.

Once upon a time I would’ve happily snatched money of any human-being who’d give it to me, which usually happened to be the person closest to me, which usually happened to be a woman.

Since I’ve known her though, she has changed me – for better and worse – in a multitude of different ways, and after three years I now feel a bit ashamed taking things from women, which, given contemporary societies politically correct values and equality shouldn’t be even a real thing anymore, but we all know it still is: regardless how much socially fashionable bullshit idiots try and preach on the subject, nobody really believes in modern values any more than they ever did and that’s why I’ve got no time for anyone dumb enough to allow themselves to be sucked-in and swept-away by stupid ideas born of equally stupid group-think.

This is why I regard the vast majority of people as sad, braindead sheep: most are so lacking in intelligence they’re incapable of seeing through bullshit, while the rest are too mentally weak to do anything but go along with everyone else.

I’m quickly abandoning my original train of thought here and have to snap back on track, but don’t think that means I believe men should get higher pay than women or any of that: I believe in equality where that kind of thing is concerned of course, but political correctness has long been no more than a waste of time: people still think what they always did, people are still fundamentally racist, still put themselves ahead of others and the worst people in our society still hurt others with no regard for rules until they are caught and locked back up again.

The only difference is that now, most good people are too fucking scared to say what they really think in case somebody points a finger and calls them a name, so everyone dribbles shit like a politician.

Anyway I borrowed money off her and feel fittingly bad about that, but not as bad as I would asking other people – certainly other women – for help because she is my better half, we do love one another and she genuinely has no reason to attach hidden conditions to any assistance she gives me.

I know this is fact, because whether she loaned me money or not I’m already hers and she knows she doesn’t need to give me anything at all for that to remain the case since I cherish her even though I don’t always know why 🙂

I can roll out a bunch of things I love about her, but I can list just as many things I dislike about her and the depth of love, affection and attachment I have for the woman cuts through personal attributes to the core of her being ❣

She also chucked a few things in the trolley for me while she was doing her own shopping, and surprisingly added meat to the trolley. I know right? The vegetarian brought me meat! 🙂

And because of her, I have everything I need for at least the next few days and most importantly, I don’t need to leave myself open to other people thinking they’re entitled to sleaze or ‘benefits’ I would never cheapen myself with anyway, in exchange for a meager bit of tobacco or a few beers or a refrigerator or anything else.

I was born with nothing, grew-up with nothing and had nothing all my life: material shit means nothing to me.

You are my magnetic north ❣

5:50 PM

Whoever it is feels the need to continually downvote the last two posts, you have far too much time to kill. You understand this isn’t a democratic election and voting has no effect on anything.

It’s also not facebook: the only person here who has any say whatsoever is myself, because I own the site, server and domain: lock, stock and barrel.

Just pointing out the futility of voting on a private website, but if tapping the little bar at the bottom of the page is the most worthwhile thing you have to do, don’t let me dampen your false sense of contribution 🙂

Oh, ABC has a new episode of Rake airing. Hang on..

9:50 PM

Took longer than expected because the oven was too low for the chips to cook for a while, but the salad and chips are exceptional together. I’ll leave the meat to rest while I eat the rest 🙂

Monday, 8th October 2018

I’m at the library, waiting for DHL guy to pass through town. Some older couple have just said hello though I don’t know who they are and would just as soon not have my quiet time interrupted by strangers.

I’ve given the address of the post office again because giving my own address would mean that if DHL guy is in a hurry and decides to leave the package in my mailbox, my fellow houso neighbors will snatch it before I even get out front to check.

I could’ve had it sent to your place but if nobodies home and he’s not in a hurry or feeling lazy, it won’t be delivered at all if nobodies there to sign for it.

You’ve gotta forecast all these factors and evaluate potential outcomes before clicking the PAY NOW button on any online order.

I do anyway.

DHL guy isn’t allowed to leave nicotine containing products at the post office, which forces him to ring me once he’s in town whether he wants to or not, you understand, which maximizes the chance I’ll have him hand the package to me, and completely eliminates the chance of it being left unattended in my letterbox for anybody else to walk past and steal.

All common sense I know but I’ve got until around 4:00 PM to wait, so I may as well explain the logic while I wait.

It’s also important I get my hands on the package as quickly as possible, since I’m nearly out of tobacco and don’t want to buy any more and I’m a bit pleased with myself for only ordering the plain 18mg/mL glycerine and flavours this time: for $103, I’ll have enough ingredients to make-up over 400mL of my own eliquid at 6mg/mL, which is the strength I’ve found suits me best for the subohm tanks and coils I use.

The same volume of commercially manufactured juice should cost me around $250, so it’s quite the saving and 400mL of liquid will last me months, while $103 worth of actual tobacco wouldn’t even last two weeks.

Boring fucking wait though.

I’ll watch Peep Show on iview while I’m waiting and have the wifi matter of fact.

Incidentally I’ve checked that show, and though the series is over forever now with 2015 being their last season, both the two comedians who co-wrote and starred in the show have another britcom that’s already been released: Mark and Jeremy are gone, but the doods have created a similar situational where the two are brothers, forced together to manage the pub a dead relative left them in his will.

In online interviews, the pair said that Peep Show would no longer be workable simply because it’s about a pair of 20- somethings making bad life decisions and now being in their 40s they simply cannot see the company being believable anymore.

I can’t remember the name of their new comedy but the first season has already been released and I’m sure it’ll air here soon enough. Think it’s called .. hang on I’ll check.. their new series is called “Back”, and started last year.

They’ve structured the new show so it no longer hinges on them being young and dumb they’ve said, though both being in their mid forties now, I wouldn’t expect it’s going to run forever but both have said they’re big fans of long-running sitcoms, and peep-show did run for twelve years.

2:16 PM

Mandy’s just walked over and slammed that on the table in front of me and to be honest, a public scene would’ve broken-up the boredom a bit – I’ve still got two hours to kill but she didn’t utter a word.

Inconsiderate woman, what about me: here falling asleep in my chair waiting my day away.

1.5 hours to go, and I’ve gotta say that heart is looking a bit worse for wear – compared to how it looked last time I polished the sucker.

God women are an angry lot.

Suppose it saved me the effort of having to go and get it off her, so that’s good, I guess, though nobody wants the heart – with the soulmate simply wanting it back so Mandy no longer has it because it’s slathered in my own blood – and the irony has not crawled by without me noticing.

I realize too, that both Mandy and Toni are no doubt still pretty fucked off – with the former being far more justified than the latter – but there’s really no..

Hang on Brian has come over to talk to me.

Okay, he missed me at the church the other day, though I don’t know how since I was there two hours before leaving.

Anyway I didn’t see him and didn’t want to leave the phone charger and cable there because it would simply vanish so I’ve told him I’ll drop it off tomorrow or the next day and leave it with either Rosa or Ahlei in a marked bag for him to pickup at his convenience.

The whole time he’s standing here talking to me he’s drooling and although I managed to act like I didn’t notice, it’s impossible not to with spit literally spattering the floor, his shoes and the desk and although the carpet is absorbent and soft enough to muffle the sound, the laminated desk I’m sitting at is not, so thanks to my hearing being back to normal now I’m sitting here talking to him and every few seconds hear a little splat. Splat, splat splat splat..

Least he broke-up the monotony a bit.

6:06 PM

And there it is. Since nobody really wants the shitty heart, I’ll just keep it myself and make a new one out of hardwood. Apple, preferably.

Since the next one will be much more detailed, much better quality and given the amount of time and effort going into it, I’ll keep it to myself until I’ve got someone who’s serious enough to warrant handing out over something I’ve put so much of myself into.

Oh and no DHL guy after all.

‘Tsalright though, I’m not out of liquid yet and there’s still 4 more days before the weekend.

Before I can continue or settle for the night, I’ve gotta go and tidy the second bedroom, eat something then clean the kitchen and dishes – I’ve just noticed the ‘settling-in’ visit from the housing woman turns out to be tomorrow! How awesome..

I could just procrastinate doing it until the morning but we all know stuff like that is best done and out the way sooner than later, so I’ll groan my way through that shortly 😉

Tuesday, 9th October 2018

4:06 AM

Fuck I’m having some intense dreams lately.

This time I was out with some chick walking in the edge of the ocean by a rock wall when I remembered a pet I had whose cage I’d thrown off the wall years earlier.

I’ve gone down to the edge of the water where the rocks met the sea and saw a glimpse of white bar.

I go closer and look under a large black rock to find the cage is not only still there, it’a been crushed down to a couple of inches and the bird is still inside: it’s a yellow-crested cockatoo and I frantically heave the stone off and lift up the crumpled rock to find the bird inside is somehow alive.

I put the cage down, still on the rock wall with with winds blowing, waves smashing at the rocks, carefully get the bird out and hold him to my chest a minute and just stand there.

In a heartbeat I’m inside a large, old house and the cockatoo is back inside the cage, which I’ve placed on a shelf in a bookcase at head height and the chick is behind me laughing with some arsehole in a double bed, but I don’t give a fuck about either of them I’ve gotta check on my bird so I look in the cage and he’s now laying on his side and appears dead. There’s no blood on his feathers anymore, they’re just white like an owls.

Depressed, I lift the cage down then see his chest clearly moving up and down: he’s alive!

I get him out carefully again and hold him to my chest again, then suddenly I’ve got two dogs and a cat walking around at my feet sniffing at the badly injured bird I’m nursing and getting too interested too fast so I leave the room and i’m a heartbeat the bird is covered in blood as I’m patting him and I don’t mean a smear, I mean it looks like someone’s emptied a full cup of blood on its head and it’s hard to pat him now his whole head is sticky with blood, so I kiss this cockatoos’ blood-soaked head, and the whole time he’s just letting me hold him, but then he starts flapping his wings under my hands every so often and all I can think to do is talk to him, so I make a little tongue-clicking noise, he copies me; I make a little sympathetic ‘mmmm’ and he quietly mimics that in that croaky little voice.

Tears start rolling down my cheeks as I lower my mouth to kiss him again and just as I do, he makes another mmm sound, lifts his head and it’s only now that I see his beak: the entire front of his face is gone and the beak is so putrid and rotten I can’t even make out the upper or lower parts – just a dark grey, gaping mass where his beak should’ve been.

Tears are streaming down my face now, dripping onto the bird, and I kiss the mangled hole where his mouth should’ve been while he continues making that raspy little ‘mmm’ over and over and his head is still caked in blood so I just keep kissing him and responding to his call.

5:15 PM

Everyone’s a critic.

Firstly I’m not a nasty peice of shit, or any other kind of shit – I’m just not cheap or nasty and have morals – but I forgive you Toni, for your misdirected anger 🙂

Secondly, Googling “personality disorders” then scrolling through results and picking one you like is completely inept and reflects an extremely limited powers of comprehension: like picking a single brand of clothing because it’s popular while failing to notice the roomful of more suitable clothing; seeing only one tree standing in a forest; only eating blue snakes because you never noticed there were other colours in the pack.

People do this constantly these days: all tragically, dim-wittedly focused on trying to attach themselves to the trendiest personality disorder they can, while completely disregarding the ‘less cool’ malfunctions. 

A more intelligent person might be obliged to broaden your perspective with the knowledge that every human-being on earth has a cacophony of conflicting internal tones comprising their personality and nobody on earth only has one so no matter how badly the dull, unremarkable among us may wish they could be ‘pure’ psychopaths there is no, such, thing.

Most of the time these disorders are so muted they don’t present at all, but insecurity, paranoia, depression and a host of other human traits are nothing but disorders: they serve no useful purpose – just lower an individual’s quality of life – and yet, they’re there in everybody in varying degrees, they’re just not associated with socially fashionable labels.

I’ve already done the standard online personality test and looking at the date of the post, October 10 2015 struck me as almost spooky in how closely that coincides with not just the current date, but the date the woman started the ball rolling.

I should’ve just said, “I’m busy no thanks!”, but I didn’t, so here we are.

Anyway, here’s my host of diagnosable disorders according to the standard multi-page test, but open your brain a bit and see past your one little coat: there are dozens of other little defects that are at play just like everyone else on earth..

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid |||||||||||||| 59%
Schizoid |||||||||||||| 57%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 45%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Borderline |||||||||||| 45%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 68%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 41%
Dependent |||||||||| 37%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 67%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

I don’t forgive you Mandy because you’ve done nothing wrong requiring forgiveness: you just fell in-love with me a bit late in the day.

*yawn*

Chips again tonight, but this time with freshly cut potatoes – skin and all – because I’ve had them the previous two nights and I like them.

Must be the Irish side of the family in me.

9:37 PM

So after a three week compilation from months of research by one of the ABC’s best reporters, the only solid conclusion they’ve been able to arrive at is that Keli Lane is an untrustworthy cunt who’ll fuck anything and completely disregard the lives created by her acting like a bitch in heat.

The woman is right where she deserves to be.

‘Norris no Morris no, fuck, I don’t remember I was drunk, but I think he was male and the father and he might’ve lied about his name too!

‘What about my precious girls – the ones I didn’t have a doctor rip out of me with a hook because I couldn’t be fucked with those ones?

‘They’re missing out on the awesome role model that is me, the lying, amoral sack of shit mother of seven, no 4, wait no I only kept two but how can I raise them just like me from jail?

‘They deserve their mum!’

Fuck I hope NONE of the Lane family end-up raising either of those poor kids; they’re terrible people.

Keli’s mother is an appalling-bad liar.

As for the most obvious defense continually chanted, regarding there being no body: seriously, even a big new born baby is very small and if you look at it objectively, how hard is it to vanish a few kilos of meat?

Soft flesh, soft bones, barely any hair at all.

Even the skull of a newborn is soft enough for an adult male hand to crumple and with nobody to miss the child once she’s gone, well, imagine a leg of lamb with cartilage in place of bone.

Making of a leg of lamb disappear completely would be a very easy thing: especially in a place like the northern suburbs, surrounded by ocean.

She may not have killed the child personally but somebody did and that empty, reptilian bitch knows who: the degenerate-looking social worker covered in tats was right about her.

Bizarrely, again, I set the featured image for this post over a week ago now and how inexplicable that it would suddenly become so fitting almost halfway through the month, since I haven’t changed it at all and only added it because that was the first one I saw in my /camera/ folder that matched the orange tone of the links and titles in the site.

Strange, that.

More potatoes. The last ones were so good I’m doing a second batch.

Wednesday, 10th October 2018

The shit you have to do to locate a package and extract it from the delivery cycle. Fuck me dead..

Here’s the lineup, and that one on the right – regardless the nasty chemical name – is amazing: a deep, rich, roasted nutty kinda popcorn flavour, it’s so concentrated it only takes a few drops to make the entire mix carry the flavour.

I reckon I could happily use that as a standalone flavoring it’s so good and I’ll make sure I try other ambiguously titled additions in future..

Thursday, 11th October 2018

First of all, I don’t have much to say today – certainly nothing controversial, but check out this very sensible magpie: it’s not the best photo, but I was walking past and couldn’t resist 🙂 ..

Secondly, this is so far the best of the two flavours I’ve mixed, and I can’t mix anymore up until I’ve got more glycerine which goes pretty fast using half a bottle at a time..

A mixture of six different flavours, it tastes almost like a cleaner, lighter version of the lemon pudding flavoured liquid I paid $40 for a 60mL bottle of not that long ago, mine fortunately lacks the artificially sweet and fake milky taste.

Tastes like lemon tart actually.

It’s probably only cost $10 for this bottle and the flavours used are so concentrated I’ve only used a few drops of each bottle of flavours used.

Potatoes again for dinner, then I’ll do some pasta later if I’m still hungry though given I cook them in vegetable oil then toss melted butter through afterwards I reckon I’ll be full enough 🙂

10:35 PM

Next stop it is.

Friday, 12th October 2018

Know what the bitch tells me the other day?

‘At least I’ve got a kid!’

Yep, that’s what did it.

Whatever it is you imagine you do for me, it’s pretty much entirely in your imagination, and whatever it is makes you believe I’ll wait indefinitely for the imaginary romance to happen is in your imagination also.

So it’s my turn to worry about family and reproduction: I need someone who’ll include me in the family you’ve denied me for years now – before it’s too late.

Someone capable of giving me a child of my own without fucking it all up before it’s even started would be quite the bonus at this point, but a pre-existing family where I’m not expected to kiss anyone’s arse to visit is a perfectly good starting point.

I’ve written the above you understand, simply because I don’t like blank, missing days in my posts and had to write something: I’ve already missed two days at the start of the month, didn’t want to leave another gap and since i’ve had a few days to consider it, there you go.

Saturday, 13th October 2018

That photo is from days ago, but was the last photo I took before cracking the shits and will replace it with tonight’s dinner – when I cook it.

I smell like tiramisu.

With notes of coffee, chocolate and cream cheese I really want that tiramisu flavor to work out, but freshly mixed it vaporizes like burning rubber though everything I’ve read about the flavour online reports that steeping this specific flavour for several weeks is necessary to allow the molecules time to infuse into the base, but what many morons online seem to overlook is the inclusion of ethyl alcohol in the concentrate: vaporized alcohol would without doubt account for the terrible taste when freshly mixed, and I can’t understand why so many self-proclaimed ‘juice gurus’ wouldn’t account for that, or allow time for the alcohol to leave the liquid: I’ll hazard to say it’s naught to do with infusion and everything to do with the evaporation, but I’ll wait and see.

6:09 PM

I haven’t left the house since Wednesday.

Partly owing to the fact that without money to spend on anything I don’t care at all for being surrounded by tourists with loaded bank accounts and wallets full of cash and partly because I don’t feel there’s any point in hanging ’round the church for no reason: I’ve got a warm place that’s dry; got power-points; got a shower/bathroom/toilet right here and I’ve still got 6 gigabytes of data on my phone, so with no discernable gain for going in why bother?

The other equally valid consideration is that I’ve only decided to stop smoking, completely, a few days ago and while that was easy to proclaim while I still had some tobacco left, that was gone by Wednesday and since Wednesday was only 2-3 days ago I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t make a point of obtaining tobacco of I went into town now: however I have to get it.

It’s true I recieved my shipment of nicotine-packed liquid and flavourings and the mixtures I’ve subsequently mixed are awesome, but the lovely lemon meringue, banana and roasted nut, tiramasu and chai tea taste sensations I’ve mixed still don’t compare to actual tobacco smoke, though it’s remarkable how quickly you feel healthier just by replacing smoke with vapor.

Anyway, I’ve set my alarm last night to allow time to make it to the church this morning before Rebecca and Leera locked-up early, but when 9:00 AM came around and the phone started sqawking I quickly shut it up, re-evaluated my plan, decided against it and went back to sleep.

Firstly, the marketeers don’t bother leaving the comfort of their houses if there’s so much as a fresh breeze blowing and the forecast has been bad lately which means less suckers in town to buy their junk, and less customers for the op-shop.

Secondly, even if I did get in there before they closed there’s little likelihood I’d find either of the two food items I actually need – milk and sugar – so the thought of showering then walking into town only to find there’s nothing in the fridge anyway, well the calculated risk didn’t calculate in my favour, so going in at all would almost certainly be a waste of time and all I’d return home with would be tobacco – hardly a good outcome.

Mmm.. I’m dribbling on a bit now.

Eventually I decided my best, most efficient option was to blackmail my infuriatingly oppositional woman into driving over here and dropping-off what I needed, which I did..

“.. if you want me to continue talking to you in any context, bring me milk, sugar and the glycerine in the bathroom cupboard. I’ll see you when you get here.”

Much to my astonishment, an hour later she’s here with a bag full of groceries AND a second, full bottle of glycerine and before you start thinking what an arsehole move that was I’ll cut that short by underlining context: never before in my life have I given so much of myself to any woman, and though it’s all very well to sit there reading and guffaw at what a dick I am, none of you have any idea at all how much time, effort, thought and emotion I have funneled into the woman over the years.

I’ve worked my arse off just to be a tax-paying, respectable worker so she would accept me, loved her as she screeched at me daily for the neighbors to hear, hated her while she’s ignored me weeks or months on-end, given-up my weekends for months – while working fulltime – to completely gut her bathroom down to the framework and rebuild it while she screamed about my taking too long when I’d stop work to spend time with her while I was there, put up with near-on constant rejection at times, spent months of my life hand-carving gemstones into beads for leather jewelry for her and narrowed my love and attention on her to needle point focus.

No matter how much we’ve hated on one another it’s only ever been the result of mutually percieved infractions and wrongs committed against the most intense love either of us have encountered and likely ever will, and that pulsing intensity comes with equally intense emotion across the spectrum.

From her end, she’s put up with my hurling invectives and abuse at her anytime I don’t get my own way and it’s always me telling her to fuck off “we’re done”, yet we’re never really done and we’ve both been more than happy to spit ultimatums – even counter-ultimatums – at one another with such regularity they’re now so commonplace we can effectively ignore them without any real fear of consequence, though she’s much better and standing her ground there than I am 🙂

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, but enough to frame the point and allow me to tell anyone who thinks they know, you really don’t.

Only the two of us know and I still don’t believe either of us comprehend it, really.

I just wish you weren’t such an emotional retard, Honey 🙂

Oh, and I did bother cleaning and tidying prior to your visit after all. ❣

Also, the television is of limited use and goes on-and-off depending on what I’m doing: it annoys and distracts me when I’m trying to read, and since the only channel I watch is the ABC and variants decent shows don’t start until after dinnertime ❣

7:09 PM

Alright so while I figured that ending the last section on a lighter note would suffice, She did not evidently agree..

“Yeah, you’re not such a genius you know. You could’ve asked nicely and I would’ve done exactly the same thing.

Only difference being I would have actually talked to you when I dropped it off. Instead you just continued to cement in my mind what a rude abrasive person you are by “demanding” milk and sugar.

Idiot.

Post that on your site.”

Done: word, for, wordthat’s my girl 🙂

In my defense and given the fact we’re on the tail-end of four days of your completely ignoring me, nice wouldn’t have been doable because you know very well your lack of response only serves to outrage me with every passing day so after the better part of a week elapsing, the kind approach was not a mode of function available to me within the parameters of mood ❣

Two good shows are on tonight if you disregard ABC2 and it’s extremely hit-and-miss comedy try-hards and stay on ABC/ABC HD: currently Exile, then after the encore of last weeks season final of Rake, Thirteen.

Dinner can happen while Rake is on since I’ve seen that ❣

9:14 PM

Xox

Sunday, 14th October 2018

Alright since television’s a flat-out disappointment tonight with a choice yet another shit comedy on one channel and a dull faux-mystery about pine gap on the other, I’ve returned to reading the next book in the two dozen or so I bought while in the valley that first sixteen months – half of which I never got around to reading, because .. life after the rainforest happened.

Roy Hazelwood isn’t simply a famous profiler of serial killers, sexually violent criminals and perverts across the board, he’s one of the founders of behavioral profiling, one of three who started the FBIs Behavioral Science Unit in the early seventies and didn’t retire from the FBI until the mid nineties.

Silence of the Lambs godfather of profiling and Clarice Starlings’ mentor – the character Jack Crawford – was based on Hazelwood.

It’s already an interesting read with one example after another of gruesome crimes before I’ve finished the first chapter, but none as disconcerting as the example in the second paragraph onwards of this page ..

Again, something that would’ve been no more than a juicy, real life horror story to me a few years ago suddenly looks like a proper nightmare, and the string of statistics rolled-out already do not provide any additional reassurance: only 3% of sexually violent offenders have any kind of diagnosable mental illness, and these are the few the media like to focus on because they reaffirm the false public belief that rapists and perverts appear strange – that they can be detected by a victim prior to a life-shattering attack being inflicted on them.

The other 97% appear absolutely normal and are well regarded in their communities: your postman, the charming chemist you collect your scripts from, doctors, police, centrelink workers and the teachers you entrust your children to – all these people have open access to personal details, marital status, medicare details and your address right there on file and this is the sickening truth nobody wants to know about animals like these: you have no way of spotting them until they get you alone and it’s too late.

Half the time, even the wives and families of these offenders have no idea because they know how they’ll be percieved by a society what once allowed them the freedom of trust.

Of course there are wives and families that do know, but these are the ones who were malleable to begin with and have been victimized to the point they live in constant, palpable fear so don’t tell.

Either way, once a sexual predators’ secret is known to the outside world there’s no going back: word spreads like fire, the house of cards collapses and it’s game over so they’ll do anything to hide their private fantasies, and fantasies are the operative driver.

Though I haven’t even finished the first chapter, I don’t need to to read this book to know that sexual and/or violent fantasies are the core mechanism that grinds away inside twisted men and the crimes they commit are almost trivial to them in comparison to those fantasies, which may have started out as a simple but perverse attraction to violent porn that most people – men inclusive – would be repulsed by.

Over time this attraction turns to an active fantasy and though many no doubt content themselves with beating-off and going to bed, some will obsess over the content and merge them with their own desires, which build until they get the spark of a thought to act on these urges.

This is common knowledge these days, but what starts as the seed of a thought to move from fantasy to physical acts might begin with stalking any woman who catches their eye, then scale-up to sneaking around her house, stealing items from her clothesline, masturbating outside a window, breaking-in when the house is empty – all while actively building on their mental filth – and before long just watching is no longer enough so they scale-up another level to physical and sexual assault.

Assuming they get away with it, they simply walk away from the devastation they’ve caused and spend some time masturbating about that act until that’s no longer enough either so they start adding more twisted ideas to ‘spice up’ their next attack – whether that be on the same woman or a different one the woman isn’t even a person to a creature like this – there’s nothing flattering about a woman becoming a target: she’s just a peice of meat, a prop to live-out whatever disgusting shit goes on in their head and that’s all they give a shit about.

Why it revolts me thinking about the new sexual ‘kink’ some women in today’s oh-so-sexually-liberal society have for rape-fantasies: there’s NOTHING sexy or erotic about the reality of rape and no nice smelling buff guy who’s just acting insensitive: rapists really like causing genuine pain, get off on your fear and don’t even care if it’s you or someone else: you’re just another faceless bitch to them and bored housewives glorifying violent sexual assault by replacing them with naive, dreamy visions of rough sex with strangers really are a fuckin joke.

Garbage on TV like The Handmaid’s Tale encourage and propagate this absolute misconception and I fucking loathe the way shows like that erode morality show after show, but that’s a rant I’ll save for some other day.

Indeed, it’s past time I went to bed already so I’ll try and stay awake long enough to finish the rest of the first chapter, and continue this tomorrow, if I feel like it.

Monday, 15th October 2018

.

Tuesday, 16th October 2018

Sure, you’re thinking a single punctuation mark for yesterday was a disappointment far as new content for the day goes, but yesterday was a disappointment in and of itself and I’ve already cracked the 10,000-word standard for the month and it’s only half over, so who gives a shit 🙂

7:54 AM

Okay I’ve read most of Roy Hazelwoods’ book now and though there’s too many examples and statistics about perversions and sexually violent perverts to poor over here, I’ll finish off with something Rosa has complained to me about several times in the past few months and the reason I began focusing on the entire subject to begin with. Actually I’ve a cluster of things to do before I continue, but I’ll round-off my point because it needs to be articulated clear enough that even the more intellectually bereft readers can grasp it.

*…

11:14 AM

I’ve stopped in at the church earlier, (now stuck at home waiting for this ‘settling in visit/inspection’ which could happen anytime between now and 1:00 PM) and while I was in there I told Ahlei that of all the people who work, volunteer or loiter around the church “It’s *you* I miss the most”, and it’s true: Ahlei is the only only one who’s always there.

The biggest distinction between Rosa and Ahlei is the relational dynamic I’ve had with both of them: Rosa acts in more a maternal role (to everyone), while Ahlei has been like a sister, and I’ve never felt the need to be snaky or cagey or bite my tongue around her.

In fact, Ahlei has consistently and without fail encouraged me to say whatever I think regardless who may be offended, clearly stating that if other people are that bothered by my remarks then it’s their issue and their problem.

Wednesday, 17th October 2018

 

 

*…

Thursday, 18th October 2018

I’ve got days to catch-up on, but it’ll have to wait until tonight. I’ll do yesterday’s photos now though actually..

*…

Friday, 19th October 2018

*…

Saturday, 20th October 2018

With so many days to catch-up on, I probably won’t even get there and I’ve connected the keyboard so it’s not so slow, though I’ve indeniably funneled more content in texts to her than I would’ve uploaded here, so I’ve written – just not here.

I’ve been over and mowed her lawn today but I’ve gotta go back and add snippets to the last few empty days before continuing from the current day, but you know she’s brought up the topic of my being ‘unkind’ today again, and it’s almost as if she believes that everyone in her universe are faultessly, 100% nice to everyone in every situation with every external stimulii going on without considering just how unkind most people are with very little pushing from others anyway: like she somehow is blind to other peoples smart-arse, sarcastic and nasty while where I’m concerned that’s all she seems to see or focus on and I can’t imagine anybody would accidently have such a selective view of the truth, yet she seems to never be capable of factoring all the good things do into the overall picture.

Narrowly sees only the best in everyone else, while narrowly seeing none of the best where I’m concerened and never, never mentions anything I do that she does like or anything she likes about me: just the things I do that’re wrong or bad, because if she focussed on the good things she would have a balanced view of me and no longer be justified in fixating on all the things she dislikes about me.

I cannot undertand why she’d waste so much time and mental energy filtering out all the positives in favour of negatives like that, especially given I’m actually a pretty well balanced blend of positive and negative traits: like an internal dialog she’s reinforced over years of repetition until it’s stuck like a scratched record – “He’s just an arsehole, he’s just an arsehole, he’s just an arsehole.”

It’s just an affectation and only a tiny grain of the whole truth, yet it’s at least 50% of the reason we didn’t start the happily ever after long ago.

Actually, it’s closer to 90% of the reason: if she didn’t take such hard-arse view of me and softened-up with a bit of acceptance it’d already be in the bag and I wouldn’t be half the arsehole I am.

But that’s just an aside: it was a nice day and I’ve got nothing to compain about, that was just an observation, and an observation I’ve made countless times before.

Sunday, 21th October 2018

The truth, we’ll talk about that today, and people’s perspective on it, right after we watch Doctor Who and .. wait, now she’s insisting that the truth is open to interpretation dependent on whichever version of the truth is more convenient in relation to a given situation for any individual.. Hang on I’ve gotta go set her straight..

I did not set her straight.

The mental sparring came to a halt once dinner was served, which was an Indian combination of some orange sloppy stuff with rice and fresh naan bread were kneaded ourselves 🙂 ❤

Oh the orange sloppy stuff was excellent, and had a name but I cannot remember it.

As for the ideological gymnastics over the meaning of truth, we reached neither a compromise nor agreement: her argument being that if everybody on earth suddenly went colorblind and the sky looked green to them, then the sky would indeed be green.

“No no NO Babe, if the world went colourblind and everyone saw only green, the world would simply have defective vision! The colour of the sky remains blue! Only their perception has changed!”

‘But they’re still telling the truth, because they see the sky as green :)’

** Fuck, she’s got a point .. oh wait! **

“.. you’re confusing honesty and truth Sweetheart: the fact that they are honestly seeing a green sky means they are not lying, true, but not lying about their defective eyesight doesn’t make what they say the truth: the truth remains that the sky is blue :)”

‘Not to them, because it’s green! :)’

“Noo that’s just,.. Are you shitten’ me!?”

This debate lasted over an hour and actually started via text when I was still at home then just intensified once we got to her place for dinner, and even her 8 year old daughter got into it sporadically and the child was a good part of why I pushed the entire debate:

Love you Baby 🙂 ❤

Monday, 22th October 2018

My mother likes the site now the topic flicks back and forth depending on what’s going on each day. I’d rather keep an ongoing dialog running personally, but that’s not practical when I grow bored writing about the same things everyday, and not feasible when different topics stimulate different reactions from me each day.

And still the bitter and twisted continue to downvote, even while I’ve not bothered to update for days at a time 🙂

Puny minded creatures 🙂

Tuesday, 23th October 2018

Today I’m washing my socks, underwear and a shirt for tomorrow.. I reaaally need to wash my pants, but they’re outer-layer clothing and don’t fit in the bathroom sink.

I could give them a bath, but there’d be no hot water me if I did that.

This week I’m going to continue with a topic that’s been grating on me for months now, and I’ll be like a dog with a bone until it’s resolved because I’ve witnessed several minor incidents of the integrity of the service and staff being corrupted over time, which will always happen when people who are corrupted themselves are left to influence those around them.

Duty of care within the church and the legal and moral responsibility management has to ensure everything possible has been done to provide a safe environment to volunteers and – more importantly – the dozens of vulnerable clients who use the service every week has been absent for the duration of the service and needs to be addressed.

After five years, Working With Children clearances have finally been introduced for volunteers at Junction 142, but still have not been enforced for all volunteers and although WWC checks are a good start because they ensure people working there haven’t been convicted of crimes against kids, most people don’t bring their kids into the church and a WWC does nothing to weed-out volunteers who are a safety or security risk to any other demographic: adults – especially women – are still at risk from offenders of any number of other serious crimes assuming a position of trust than can be very easily exploited in any number of ways, and they need to be filtered out of the environment just as pedophiles do.

Anyone who has committed violent or sexual crimes (or both) against anyone else is just as much a potential danger to others as a pervert who assaults children and they should not be given the role of volunteer where they can manipulate others.

Given that full criminal clearances are standard prerequisites for anyone wanting to donate their time at even animal shelters these days – and have been forever now – it is incomprehensible for a service frequented by soft targets in need not to be following basic security practices to minimize the risk to everybody in the food bank and charity as a whole.

When Rosa requested my clearance last week I emailed it within the hour, but upon additionally offering my Criminal Record Clearance she told me that wouldn’t be necessary – that she’s not bothering with them because she doesn’t want to prevent parolees with lesser convictions relating to theft or drugs from volunteering there.

But without a general criminal check, anyone with serious convictions also goes unchecked and can simply walk in, sign the form and never need disclose anything they’ve done to anyone, so whether they’re a violent criminal, murderer or rapist they’re welcome to volunteer there by current standards as long as they don’t have a conviction against children.

On what level is it acceptable to put lifelong, convicted offenders ahead of the safety of single mothers with children, invalids, the elderly, the disabled, other volunteers and all the other law-abiding people who need and use the service?

You cannot even clean toilets in a minimum-wage job without providing full criminal record clearances and I can’t see any valid, excusable reason for giving anyone without those clearances a trusted position at a place filled with people who are in need and it has to be implemented – without exception.

It is a legal and ethical responsibility of any charity to provide this bare minimum level of protection to those who use it, and failing to acknowledge the fact leaves management legally and ethically liable.

People come into the church assuming that volunteers given authority there are cleared, safe and trustable, yet there’s absolutely nothing in place to filter-out and remove those who have already proven they’re untrustworthy with criminal records spanning their entire adult lives.

This issue isn’t just a hole in security at the church, it’s a complete absence thereof and it’s gotta to be fixed – both for the longevity of the food bank and the safety of the people utilizing it.

Nobody’s saying people with serious convictions can’t use the service as clients, but they certainly shouldn’t be given positions of authority.

At the bare minimum, WWC clearances should be required and validated, and if a volunteer cannot submit a general Criminal Record Check that comes back clean they should accept their name being searched on the sex offenders registry and cleared there before they’re ever allowed to begin working at the church. All three of these checks are easily within reach of the church and none will cost the church a cent: every jobsearch provider will pay for the WWC and CRC checks because they’re necessary for any legitimate job these days, and the sex offenders register can be used by any charity or not-for-profit completely free of charge.

Right now, the failure to implement and enforce the above minimum security measures of properly screening workers is a failure to provide standard duty of care to all volunteers and clients and makes Junction 142 both legally and ethically negligent.

Conversely, implementing standard security measures means Rosa and the committee have done everything possible to provide a safe environment and have covered themselves.

It’s very simple.

Roast potatoes, or eggs and muffins for dinner?

Wednesday, 24th October 2018

I ended-up having both eggs and roast potatoes for dinner, and have clean socks, underwear and top currently on.

Currently awaiting the continuation of the elevator-sinking sensation that comes from the off/on and constantly downwards moving void of a woman I’ve stupidly allowed myself to invest so much time in.

Apparently we get the partner we deserve, but I don’t believe many people deserve this, sure as shit not me and certainly not after so much time and effort.

Like trying to patch the hull of a sinking titanic with bandaids.

No love heart for you, mate.

It always comes back to the same shit and sits there like stagnant water, and add I said if you wanna perpetually tell yourselg I’m such a horrible person then use that as an excuse for everything I’ll pack it up and move on to someone who’s not so fucked in the head they’d rather argue than get on with it.

Fuckin’ hurry up Betty..

There’s not even anything to do in there: fifteen people all standing around bored, waiting for something to happen.

2:26 PM

I’ve gotta move out of the houso shithole: accepting the place was a fucking stupid thing to do.

7:45 PM

I’m unsure of the context though I’m pretty sure she’s taking the piss, regardless: that’s the gemstone snake bracelet I carved for her and still haven’t finished, with everything from amber to sapphires and jade, amethyst.. the wooden beads are paperbark heartwood I cut and carved while I lived in the valley over three years ago now.

Minus a brief intermission that was your fault as much as mine, I have lived and breathed you for years.

Get your shit together if you want it to continue and stop fabricating reasons to create barriers, start communicating in plain English and lose the reptilian bullshit.

Most fucking patient man on earth you’ve got, but patience doesn’t stretch-on forever and if you want the diamond ring on your finger to mean more than the sum of its parts stop demolishing and start building.

Admittedly, you’re patient too in your own way. I do need to acknowledge that, since you have put up with a lot of bitching and complaining from me over time ❣

Thursday, 25th October 2018

Home-made chocolate brownie love for me this morning.. ❣

12:54 PM

I’m bored now, though I’m simply waiting for Betty to get here to do her tables so I can go home, wash and roast my dirty potatoes.

Dirty potatoes heave always tasted better than pre-washed ones though I’ve got no idea at all why, though I’ve gotta try and squeeze more variety into my diet than just potatoes and eggs, or eat at her place more often.

I’ve saved the chocolate brownie for later, because there’s only one and home-baked things like that are a rarity since I’m male and just don’t ever think about baking cakes etcetera.

Okay today was a pretty typical day as far as the church goes, with only one or two status updates worth wasting text on so I’ll scribble them down and find something more interesting to write to pad-out the rest of the day.

Firstly Rosa told half a dozen of us while in the main front kitchen that the same mental Christian woman was hanging around town again today, in the throws of some kind of religious psychosis and violent, that if she enters the church we’re to call the police immediately.

This isn’t the caucasian woman who walked into the church months ago, asked to see a priest and then started undressing on the altar in front of ther cross: the woman who’s been hanging around the past few days is apparently an older asian woman who is convinced we’re all the devils bitches and I’ve never laid eyes on her myself so couldn’t tell you who she is. Rosa told us her name, but I forgot shortly afterwards.

At about midday, an old woman came into the hall and upon approaching the tables with the food crates on them was greeted by a happy, friendly Cathy who asked how the old woman was and there was nothing out of the ordinary there: Cathy’s very polite and nice to everyone.

Out of the blue, for no apparent reason the old woman spat invectives at her and stormed out the hall, leaving Cathy shaken and upset.

Twenty minutes later Rosa comes in and tells Cathy the old woman had stopped her in the driveway to deliver an extended threat to ‘take her to the cleaners’, claiming the volunteer in the food bank had been offensive to her, when all Cathy had done was ask the woman how she is and if she could have her name to write on the form.

Cathy was understandably twice as upset to have Rosa mention that she had to tread softly with some of the more unstable clients since Cathy never has a bad word to say to anyone – she’s never even sarcastic – so Cathy asked Rosa whether she’d like her to leave, ‘I can leave if you want me to.’

Rosa told her it’s fine, the old woman is well known to be mental and not to worry about it, but Cathy was still rattled an hour later.

It’s not the first time mentally ill clients have been rude or aggressive to our Cathy and she said afterwards she doesn’t know why she volunteers sometimes, ‘I don’t need to be here just so people can abuse me, I really don’t need to be here.’

She doesn’t either. Cathy’s well off enough to not need anything the service has, and never takes any food at all.

The whole time this was going on some weird little fucker with a creepy smirk was making an extended event of trying on a pair of socks, which he’d specified had to be ‘extra thin’, and after sitting there in a chair nearby for fifteen minutes suddenly mumbled that he’s not sure they quite fit.

“They’re fuckin socks. How can they not fit?” I’ve asked out loud but the weird little guy just continued smirking and began trying-on a pair of shoes he’d also liked.

Cathy’s asked Rosa what she should say to the old woman next time she comes in for food, because she was already perfectly polite, and Rosa told her to just come and let her know when she’s in the food bank in future.

*…

6:20 PM

Going all out tonight I am, with both regular and sweet potatoes.

Of course the boiling is just to pre- cook before oven-baking in oil: like I’d eat plain, boiled vegetables if I don’t have to 🙂

Friday, 26th October 2018

I don’t know why some people hate pigeons: they’re pretty inoffensive. I love em 🙂

This particular pigeon was sitting in a nesting position on the grass there, then would get up and waddle a few feet along before wiggling into a comfortable sit then standing up, turning, walking some more and repeating the process until it found this comfortable spot on the grass 🙂

They also spend their whole day cleaning up the crap we toss on the ground, so common as they are, I reckon pigeons are good value.

I figured out how to make yesterday’s update less repetitive: I’ll simply rewrite all the details out and summarize in a paragraph because it just doesn’t read well, as it is. I’ll do it when I get home rather than now though, it’s too hard to write anything with an environment that’s distracting.

8:52 PM

You know, I’ve just seen on the news recycling gone completely insane: some european countries have started adopting the practice of people bringing their own cups, containers and plates to cafes rather to ‘save’ the planet from disposable utensils etcetera, and I’m stunned that in this day and age people are still so focused on recycling to the point they’d actually go so far to avoid using a plastic or paper.

Surely, with all our technological advances we’d be better off developing a globally accepted, universally reusable material that’s both disposable and removable from existence or at least recyclable in such a way that it’s able to be reduced to a dust or liquified so it can be reused somewhere else.

That wouldn’t be that hard to do, and makes me seriously consider the fact that the recycling industry is simply a commercial enterprise there to make entrepreneurs filthy rich while everyone freaks out about throwing crap in the wrong bin.

Create one universal material that can reduced to nothing, make it an open public technology that’s not patented to any private corporation so everyone can use and create things with the new material and there’s no need to worry about it littering the planet, because all disposable items would be made using the material: simply shove everything in huge vats and vaporize it to an elementary substance that’s natural and biodegradable.

Surely that’s not a difficult material to actualize nowadays.

*…

I’m tired of convincing myself I really want you, tired of pretending there’s some great love going on here and I’m tired of acting like you’re ‘the one’.

It’s rubbish.

It’s been nothing but uphill for so long I really don’t think about it any more because it’s simply a comfort thing and I’ve been bored shitless for as long as I can remember.

I’m sure you’ll have a good life doing whatever it is you do, and finding something more solid, engaging and real is guaranteed, for me at least.

You can just carry-on stalking me here: like any other reader.

I’m done chasing my own tail, too smart to tolerate such a lack of stimulation and simply cannot be fucked yawning my way through it anymore.

Good luck with your self-obsession.

Saturday, 27th October 2018

It’s about pack-up time at the op-shop, and though I went in and waited for the hominy delivery, there was none so I left a few minutes ago.

Only Leerah and the weird guy was there today and Rebecca hasn’t been in for weeks according to Leerah, which coincides with weird guy starting on the Saturday’s the past few weeks – he said that like a joke, but this is the guy who’s cracked two pedo-related jokes in the last week that were completely out of the blue and completely unrelated to the conversation other people were having at the time.

Everyone who’s mentioned weird guy has said he’s got an ‘energy’ that’s wrong, and thanks to jokes that’re either sexually inappropriate or just not funny in the slightest there’s probably a lot more truth to his little quip than he intended there to be.

Anyway munster or not Rebecca, you need to go into the shop on a Saturday because the place is not the same without you there.

Strange as she might be, Rebecca’s quiet oddness grows on you, as does that bland, you’re an idiot look she’s mastered 🙂

That’s some quality merchandise right there. I told them I was tempted to take it sorry ‘borrow’ it, so I could stick it in my wallet and tell people how much I miss my long dead dog, but it’s not my dog. I have no idea who’s animal it is but it’d be a great sympathy generator.

How the fuck is there a fly in here when I’ve not had an open window for a week and they’re all screened bar one, which hasn’t been opened for several weeks.

Tonight, I’m going to re-clean my ears because I’ve noticed tiny amounts of wax on my earphones lately when I pull them out, and though it’s not dark brown and filthy like it was before it’s still in there so a proper clean will do them good.

As an addendum to the above, while my right ear is still not completely clear and at around 70% full hearing now, my left ear seems to be back to 100% since I obsessively cleaned both eardrums weeks ago.

I have gauged this with the TV volume: back when I watched it when Mandy was living in the flat up one top of town – before they got completely fucked by the woman who followed her – I had to have the volume set from 15-20 to hear it at all. Now, it’s too loud at 10, and I can hear it just fine at 5 so I’d say my hearing is back to where it was before the nine months of sleeping outside on the ground.

I’m still quite sure the ear wax itself doesn’t affect hearing ability because I’ve never bothered cleaning my ears in my life and they’ve always been waxy, yet I never had any hearing issues until I started sleeping on my backpack outside so the impaired hearing was most likely down to the wind blowing dust and dirt in my ears every night as I slept, and that dust becoming stuck to the wax, then packed in by the hard backpack being used as a pillow.

Anyway I’ll start another round of cleaning them again tonight and the right ear should pop and clear too.

I certainly haven’t had to ask anyone to repeat themselves again for a while, even with only the one ear back at full functionality.

You give me a valid, believable reason based on common sense why you’d insist I remove a photo of two guinea pigs that only someone who’s been in your home would ever know are even there, because I can only think of one reason.

8:18 PM

Right, so after almost twenty-four hours there’s no attempt to provide any reasoning whatsoever, and as I said last night I’m unwilling to continue making excuses for an untrustworthy skank like that and am single again.

10:52 PM

On the upside, least there’s something good on TV finally.

Tuesday, 30th October 2018

BARRENJOEY ROAD starts tonight on ABC1/HD at 8:30 PM. Looks to be created in the same format as the three part investigation into Kelli Lane a few weeks ago.

This time, eighteen year-old Trudy Adams walks out a disco in 1978 then vanishes without a trace, evidently there was a violent sexual offender stalking the northern suburbs doing nasty shit to other girls and women, but nobody knows: she got into a panel-van and was never seen again..

Animals like that are still out there and in greater numbers than forty years ago: the increase in population alone guarantees that, while the media has glorified serial killers and related perverts for years now.

There are two parallel attitudinal differences between society forty years ago and society today however:

On the one hand, society as a whole has become much more keenly aware that such animals exist and thanks to that awareness people are more careful nowadays.

Simultaneously, the animals who commit disgusting crimes like these have far greater access to information than ever before and are better educated about how not to get caught, so ritualistic offenders are less likely to fuck-up and less likely to get caught.

Braindead, disorganized offenders still just toss their victims on the side of the road like they always have of course, but they’re too impulsive and spontaneous to bother planning ahead – Rape the bitch! Get away fast!: they’re not the ones stealing underwear from your clothesline, then hanging outside your house at night while fantasizing and planning what they want to do to you.

More interesting than a child-killing olympic slut flushing unborn babies down the toilet then trying to cover-up her sneaky shit, but more depressing 🙁

Speaking of sneaky..

Since sneaky and discreet have always gone hand-in-hand and I despise both in equal measure I will not be settling on you, and even if my gut feeling is completely wrong and you’ve been kept your life private from me for some other fucked-up reason, the regime of separation you’ve so cleverly imposed on us has backfired: for so long now we’ve spent so little time together I don’t even feel comfortable when I am with you, and not being with you is natural now.

Too bad, but I warned you ad-nauseum and now, telling you I’m done, all I feel is relief that I won’t have to rush out the door on five minutes notice for a quick visit, have you constantly imply I’m not up to par or have to constantly push shit uphill on my own.

So again, good luck with yourself.

Predictably, whoever reports to Rosa on any mention I might give of the church here has done so, and she’s got the shits again.

I’m pretty sure it’s the tubby book guy out front with the beady little rat eyes, but what I find really curious is that so far within this post all I’ve talked about are ways to lock-down basic volunteer security that would make the church a safer place, and my personal motivation is the well-being of the women I have grown to care about in the time I’ve been there: Ahlei, Toni, Mandy, Maria, Pam, Cathy, even Jingles and Rosa herself plus a dozen others.

It’s as if whoever reports back to Rosa deliberately casts what I say in the most negative light because they don’t want to see Junction 142 become a more secure place, which makes me question their motives, since most people agree with me – that ensuring workers are validated as safe is the standard everywhere else.

Who would object to any establishment raising the bar a notch to join every other non-prophit in the modern world?

Why would anyone actively fight or argue against basic screening of people who work there unless they want the absence of security to remain the status quo, and WHY would they want that?

What *I* want is to see women and children be less at-risk using the service, yet certain individuals seem invested in leaving them wide-open?

Almost suspicious in itself, that people would object to checks that would cost the church nothing at all since most people there are unemployed, and every employment service provider will pay for checks like that without question because they’re required for any job these days..

Rosa asked me recently if I was trying too bring the place down. I answered nope, quite the opposite Rosa – I want to lift it from what it currently is and improve integrity, not diminish it.

Wednesday, 31th October 2018

Church today, and a mouthful from Rosa at the least. It’ll be interesting to see her response: confirmation or negation hinges on her reaction.

10:50 AM

After a brief conversation about my giving her a headache over the issue of security within the volunteer ranks, Rosa has terminated my position as a volunteer.

So confirmation there is something to worry about there.

All I wanted was to see Junction 142 a safer place for the countless vulnerable people who need the place because although you still cannot do much to address rapists, pedophiles and active child molesters flocking there in droves as clients – which everybody knows they do – ensuring the volunteers are fully checked, cleared and verified as safe would’ve been a good start.

Since my push for the implementation of such basic improvements were rejected, I am done with the church.

Rather than negate those concerns with assurance that everything possible is being done to tighten the bolts, she told me to stop shining a light on the murky bits they’d rather not talk about and leave.

If nothing else, I left with the impression Rosa was genuinely in a panic about it, so if all my squawking kicked up enough of a shitstorm that everone’s talking about it – and management do something about it – then I’ve got my way and served my purpose, though I wont know without being there and it’s no longer my shit to stress about.

I’ll have to hang out at the library for free wifi when I need it now, though I’m more than a little sure I can find something more productive and profitable to do than hang around the church unpaid for a few free vegetables.

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